Love Without Knowing How to Fall
by 32stars
Summary: Inspired by a quote from RM Drake. My first stab at fanfic, so I hope its OK. Intended to be a short - just 2 or 3 parts, this is the first. I hope you enjoy! Please leave constructive feedback - I can take it all, good or bad, so long as it's constructive!
1. Chapter 1

_I can't remember what it was like before you, and I don't even know how we got here but maybe that's exactly what I needed. Someone who could make me forget where I came from and someone who could make me love without knowing how to fall._

_-RM Drake_

* * *

They stood on her apartment balcony, overlooking the Chicago skyline. He never really understood how she managed to afford the place on a cops' salary, but that was irrelevant. This view, the pitch back sky illuminated with a spattering of city lights in the middle of the night – this was their view. This is where they went after a hard day, glass of whiskey in hand, to unwind, to try and forget. More often than not, they stood in silence, a comfortable silence. A silence only appreciated by people who are so in tune with one another that words aren't necessary.

In the early days of their relationship, when they only called each other partner, they stood side by side, shoulder to shoulder, taking it all in. That darkness, the stillness, it was a calm in their frenzied world. As their relationship grew, from partners to friends, and from friends to lovers, this never stopped being _their_ view. Instead of standing side by side though, most often these days they could be found with Erin standing against the railing, Jay standing behind, arms wrapped around her, particularly on the chilly Chicago nights. It became their way to relax and calm down after a hectic day, their place to reconnect after an argument. It was as if this place, looking out at _their_ view, was their safe haven; a tiny section of the world where nothing negative could touch them. Where there was always honesty and goodness and those city lights; reminding them that even in darkness, they could always find light if they looked for it.

Tonight was one of those nights where Erin really needed to find that light. She leaned back against his chest, marveling at how after the day they had, he was so calm and steady. That was just Jay though. Had she not known, not been there to bear witness to it all, she wouldn't have guessed that he had faced death in the face earlier in the day. She choked back a cry and willed the tears in her eyes not to fall. She placed her hands over his, needing to feel the warmth of his skin, to make sure that he was really there, that this was real, and that he was still with her.

Instinctively knowing what she needed, Jay pulled her in tighter, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm alright, Erin. I'm here. You're not getting rid of me that easy."

She knew what he was trying to do - reassure her that the days' events had nothing to do with their argument that morning. It didn't work. She thought back to what had transpired only hours ago in her bedroom.

* * *

_Flashback:_

Erin woke to Jay shaking her shoulder gently. "Babe, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Wake up."

She shot straight up gasping, her hair slick with sweat and clinging to her face, obstructing her view. She felt a hand move to her forehead to try and shift her hair but she jerked away. "Hey," Jay soothed, "it's just me. Erin." She looked over at him, gaining her composure, and placed a hand on her chest to try to steady her breathing. "What were you dreaming about?" In all the time they'd shared bed, Jay had never witnessed Erin have a bad dream, let alone thrash around as much as she just had been.

"Nothing," Erin snapped, not wanting to talk about it.

The number of people in the world that Erin truly trusted could be counted on one hand, Jay being one of them, but even he didn't know all the horrors of her past. They hadn't been together long enough for him to understand that at this time every year, the demons of her youth came around to haunt her in her dreams. The only person who truly understood was her friend Annie, and Erin could all but guarantee that she probably passed out drunk at her place. That was the only way Annie knew how to get through the anniversary of Sandovals'…passing.

Jay observed Erin with a critical eye. He didn't want to treat her like a suspect, but he had questions. Whether or not he deserved answers would be up to her. "Didn't seem like nothing, are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" He attempted once again to brush her hair from her eyes, but was rewarded with only a glare in return.

"I said it was nothing, Jay." The intensity in her voice was something he'd only heard her use before with scumbags they dealt with at work. It was certainly never a tone she used with him before, and it didn't sit well. She slid out of bed and put some distance between them.

"Erin, you've been off all week. I know something is bothering you. Maybe you'll feel better if you get it off your chest." He pulled on his jeans and slipped a tshirt over his head as he walked towards her.

"Maybe I'd feel better if you didn't interrogate me." If looks could kill, Jay Halstead would be a dead man.

He took a moment to gather himself, internally debating which way to take this conversation. She was clearly riled up and looking for a fight. It didn't take long for the pacifist in him to decide that diffusing the situation would be best. He raised his arms in a mock surrender. He knew better than to push Erin Lindsay too far. "OK, I'm sorry. I'll back off."

He softened his voice and his eyes, hoping he could get through to her, "But just know, Erin, I'm here for you, whenever. You can tell me anything, alright? I'm here for you."

Any normal girl would have melted at his words, at the tenderness and sincerity of his voice – but she was no normal girl. Jay was so…good, so pure of heart. Even when she was bitchy towards him, he was caring and sweet. And at that moment, it just irritated her. Why was he so calm when she was clearly so fired up? She opted to go on the offensive and turn the tables to shift the focus off her; it was time to push his buttons a little.

"Of course you're here, Jay, you're always here," she spat, her voice laced with sarcasm.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he was caught off guard, he didn't know where this was going.

"What do you think it means? You're always around. What's a girl gotta do to get some space?" She was on a roll now, and she had no intention of slowing down. Once the Erin Lindsay freight train got going on the tracks, there wasn't much anyone could do to stop her. "When's the last time you stayed at your place?"

Jay was completely blindsided. He knew she was upset, but hadn't expected her to come after him. Did she really mean what she was saying, or was this a step back to the old Erin that repeatedly tried to push him away? Regardless of her intent, the words stung. He stood there, like a deer in the headlights. He had no idea how to respond, not that she was going to give him a chance.

She kept pushing. "Seriously, Jay, we work together all day. And then you come home with me for dinner, and you end up spending the night." Her voice was getting louder, her tone more aggressive. Subconsciously, there was a part of her that wanted someone else to feel the pain that she felt on the inside, even if it was for all the wrong reasons. "I don't have any time to myself. You don't give me any space." She was awful close to crossing a line, and she knew it. But she had always been one to push things to the edge.

"I didn't realize I was so unwelcome," he shot back. "Duely noted."

She didn't appreciate his tone, so she fired right back. "You're fucking smothering me!"

Jay ran a hand over his face, frustrated, hurt, and not knowing what to say or do next. He knew she was purposely trying to hurt him. What sucked was that it was working. It had taken a long time for the two of them to give in to their feelings for one another. And while he knew that all those walls Erin had built up around her weren't going to come crashing down in one day, he thought at least that she had allowed him entrance to the inside. But as it stood now, it seemed as though she was kicking him out.

"What am I supposed to do here, Erin? I'm just trying to be supportive. What do you want from me?"

"I want you to leave me the hell alone!" And there it was. She went too far; she crossed the line, and she knew it the second the words were out of her mouth.

Jay took the impact of her words as if it was a shot to the chest. For a split second, he couldn't breathe. If she had wanted to hurt him, well congratulations, mission accomplished. His eyes went cold and his voice eerily calm. "If that's what you want," he stated simply. With a curt nod he turned and briskly walked out of the room. She heard the front door of her apartment slam shut before she could even absorb what he had said.

It was the last thing that she had really wanted. But she had brought it upon herself. And now that she was assured that he was gone, she let the tears fall.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N - apologies in the delay of update, yada yada my computer crashed, life got in the way, etc. I'll be upfront - I'm crap at writing action, and I'm still not sure if I'm crap at everything else too, but I enjoy getting thoughts out on paper. I'm going through serious Linstead withdrawls.**

**Would anyone be interested in a series of one shots inspired by song lyrics? I find I'm super inspired by lyrics, but I'm still really insecure about this whole writing thing. I'm super intimidated by the really great writers in this forum, and am only slightly (majorly) embarrassed by my meager attempts to keep pace.**

**Thanks for reading!**

* * *

"I didn't mean any of it, you know." Erin's quiet words cut through the stillness they fallen into. She had regretted the words she'd spat out at Jay earlier that morning, and she was pretty sure he knew it too, but she wanted to tell him anyways. "I was just…"

"I know, it's okay." Jay knew how hard it was for Erin to open up about her past, or anything that was bothering her, really.

"But it's not okay." She turned around to face him, and looked up into those crystal blue eyes, always so full of life. "You walked out of here this morning Jay, and my last words to you were to leave me alone. And after today, knowing that I could have lost you…I would have been alone for real." She stifled a cry, "I don't know how I would be able to live with myself-"

"Stop right there," Jay soothed. He lifted her chin and steadied his gaze on hers, locking their eyes. "Nothing that happened today was your fault – not because what you said this morning, not because of anything you did in the field. It just happened, alright. It happens, it's our job."

He was telling the truth. The day at District 21 started just like every other day, with no regard for the argument Erin and Jay had at her place. They sat in the bullpen at their desks, avoiding one another's gaze, making every effort to be business as usual as Sgt. Voight had made quite clear was his expectation once they crossed through the doors to the Intelligence Unit every day. He only, just barely, tolerated their relationship.

_Flashback:_

_Antonio was busy taping up details of their latest case onto the bulletin board. Voight came out of his office, and called for everyone's attention – informing them that they'd received credible intel on the location of the perps, and that they were all going to roll out in 10 minutes. "Gear up and get your head in the game. Everyone comes home today. Everyone."_

_No one spoke in the locker room, as the pulled on their protective gear. Jay and Erin locked eyes exactly once – long enough for them to convey that this was work, that they would watch each others' back, be the partners that they always were. They each nodded and headed down to the cars, Erin with keys in hand, as per usual. _

_Everything was going exactly as they had expected – most of the team positioned themselves around the perimeter of the house, ready to move in at Voight's go. Olinksy was perched up in the window of a nearby building, to provide coverage in case anyone fled the scene before the team could get to them. It was like so many busts they'd executed before – until it wasn't._

_They hadn't expected these guys to be prepared for their visit, but somehow they were. As soon as Halstead breeched the door to the house, there was an arm around his neck and a gun to his head. It all went down so fast, Erin didn't have time to panic, she only had time to raise her gun. It was a standoff – criminals on one side of the room, guns raised, Intelligence on the other, also with guns pointed, but in a weaker position – the opposition had one of their own as a hostage. These guys weren't as dumb as the team thought. They had an exit plan, and were going to execute it._

_Voight spoke up, "This can go two ways, the easy way or the hard way – you pick."_

_The one with the gun to Jay's head replied with a smirk, "No way you let me pick off your boy here. Let us get out of here, and maybe this one goes home tonight." He pressed the barrel of the gun firmly against Jay's temple._

_This wasn't the first time Jay had been in this position, gun to his head – not that he enjoyed it. But he kept his cool, and took stock of the situation. He didn't struggle, he let the gunman think he was in total control, and tried to figure out his next move._

_Erin was a totally different story. It took everything in her to keep her whole body from shaking, to keep her gun steadily aimed at the criminals. This wasn't what she intended when she yelled at Jay this morning, he couldn't get hurt, not with how they left things. Focus, she thought to herself. It would do no one, particularly Jay, any good if her mind was distracted. She had to treat this like every other day on the job._

_Voight took one pace towards the gunman, trying to push their position. "Oh, everyone's going home tonight, I guarantee you that. Just some of us will be in warm beds and you'll be in a jail cell." He kept his voice calm, steady, and took another pace towards the men._

_Jay realized what he was doing immediately, as the gunman took a step back to maintain distance from Voight, dragging Jay with him. Voight was trying to push them towards the windows, where Olinsky could get a clear shot. It was risky, that was for sure. There were so many other men with guns in play, it was going to get tricky. As calm as Jay was, the gears were turning in his mind as he locked eyes with Voight for a split second, long enough to let him know that he understood what was happening. _

_This was the benefit of being a team as in sync as Intelligence was. They knew how each other thought, they could anticipate their movements as if they were their own. The eyes of Jay and Voight locking for that moment wasn't lost on Erin, she knew what was going on too, but she didn't agree. There were too many gunman around, too many variables for them to be assured that Jay wouldn't get hit. He was unarmed, his gun knocked out of his hands as soon as he got through the door. She ever so slightly shook her head at Jay, but he ignored her. "No," she breathed, loud enough for Voight to hear her, but then gunman thought she was talking to him. _

_"__Worried about your buddy here, honey?" This guy was far too cocky and confident for her liking. And apparently a sexist piece of shit, too. "Drop your weapons!" he screamed. "Drop them!"_

_Taking a cue from Voight, the team lowered their weapons, though they didn't drop them entirely. Voight played to this guys' arrogance, taking another step towards him as he retreated one more step, putting him right in front of the windows. "Look, just let him go, and you can get out of here, I swear it. Let him go." One more glance at Jay, and they both knew it was time to act._

_It happened in the blink of an eye. Complete and utter chaos. _

_Jay maneuvered himself swiftly to drop down out of the gunman's hold the same time a bullet came piercing through the window, hitting the perp through his shoulders, forcing him to drop his gun. Jay swiftly picked it up and shifted position, but there was already gunfire flying everywhere around him as all hell broke loose. Olinsky had effectively taken out the man holding Jay, but the others were now openly firing at the rest of the Intelligence crew. Everyone scrambled to take cover and to try and take control of the situation. _

_"__Cover me," Erin called to Antonio, as she tried to make her way over to back Jay up. All she saw was blood splattered all over him, not knowing if he was hit. He was firing at the perps along with everyone else, but it wouldn't be beyond Jay to fight while injured, running off pure adrenaline._

_As quickly as the melee started, Intelligence was able to get things under control. With their ringleader wounded, the others were in disarray, and Voight quickly guided his team in overtaking them. Ruzek, Dawson, and Atwater got down to cuffing the men, while Erin scrambled over to Halstead. "Jay, Jay," she was in a panic as she watched him grimace and swipe at the blood splattered on his face. "Are you okay? Are you hit?" She started to examine his body, not waiting for a response. "Call for an ambo," she screamed at anyone who would listen._

_"__I'm alright, I'm not hit," Jay responded quickly. "Blood's not mine." Erin's breath hitched in her throat, relief washing over her. He looked as the concerned look on her face, and reassured her again. "I'm not bleeding, Erin. I'm fine, just a little banged up."_

_He got to his feet and pulled Erin up with him. "I thought…" she stuttered, "I was so scared." She swatted him on the arm, "don't you ever do that again! That was stupid, reckless! You could have been hit!" And with that, she turned on her heel and stormed off before anyone on the team could see the tears threatening to fall from her eyes._

_Dawson looked on, bewildered, and turned to Jay. "What the hell was that all about?"_

* * *

"I could have lost you today," Erin reiterated. "Do you have any idea what that would have done to me?" Her voice shook with a vulnerability that Jay had never heard before. "I know I've been pushing you away, but please," she looked up at him with sad eyes, "please, no matter how hard I push you, don't ever walk away from me again. I promise, that's never what I want."

Jay pulled her into his arms and held her tightly against his chest, "I'll try, Erin. But," he wanted to be delicate, and choose his words carefully. As much as he wanted to believe her when she said she didn't want him to go away, he couldn't shake the feeling from this morning. Not that he held it against her, it was just that she was pretty convincing when she said she just wanted to be left alone. "Erin, I'm here for you as long as you want me to be, but sometimes…you need to let me in."

She nodded her head against his chest, understanding what he was saying, but still so scared. If Jay really knew what had happened, what caused her nightmares…she wouldn't have to push him away, he might just walk away on his own. She couldn't imagine anything worse than the look of disgust she thought Jay would have in his eyes if she told him what was haunting her in her dreams. The life she had before Voight, before the academy, before Jay; it was as if she couldn't remember it – but at the same time, she couldn't escape it, it made her who she was today. And she didn't want to remember a time before Jay, before that goofy, lopsided grin and easy charm filled her with hope and reminded her that there were "good guys" out in the world. She honestly couldn't remember how she managed to go from being that lost girl, hooked on dope and Charlie, to the woman she was today.

"I want to tell you, Jay," she whispered, "but I don't know if it's something you want to hear. If you knew what I've done, who I was…" She trailed off, not ready to admit to Jay what was keeping her up at night. She was so sure that once he found out what she'd done, he'd leave her.

"Erin, I can't promise you I'll understand, but I can promise you this." He looked at her lovingly, "no matter what you say to me, I'll still love you. Nothing can change that." He gently stroked the side of her face, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb.

"This can," she whispered, "this might."


End file.
